10 Tips to Stop People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a behavior wherein individuals prioritize the desires, needs, and opinions of others over their own, often at the expense of their physical and/or mental well-being.
People-pleasers will often go out of their way to accommodate and help others, seek approval, avoid conflict, and maintain harmony in relationships... sometimes to the extent of neglecting their own needs, values, preferences and energetic capacity.
Signs of people-pleasing may include difficulty saying no, over-committing, second- guessing, down-playing strengths, over-apologizing, low self-esteem, and agreeing with others even if you feel differently. These various signs cause feelings of dread, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm or burnout.
People- pleasing isn't inherently negative. Being kind and showing empathy is crucial for fostering strong connections in our lives. However, it can pose issues when the approval of others determines your self-confidence or when prioritizing others' happiness undermines your own physical or emotional well-being.
The reasons behind people-pleasing vary. It could be due to perfectionism, trauma, cultural or parental upbringing, fear of rejection, or a combination of all of the above. People-pleasing is challenging because, on the outside, it can look like niceness, being selfless, and generous- but internally can be incredibly uncomfortable and feel like a loss of your sense of self. There are ways to make positive changes and find balance and peace!
Here are 10 suggestions on how to stop people-pleasing….
Awareness is a Must
Of course, you can’t stop people-pleasing if you aren’t aware of when you are doing it, so the first step is to notice when it is happening. Try to do so lovingly and without judgment. As mentioned above, people-pleasing tendencies can come from hard places. It may have been a survival technique or coping strategy in your past or to this day. Choose to be your friend in the process.
One way you may notice people-pleasing is present is if you have feelings of anxiety, dread, or resentment coming up for you in your relationships, family, or work life. For example, perhaps you said “yes” to taking on an additional project at work and immediately are consumed with dread or anxiety. Take note of those feelings. On a day-to-day basis, take time to check in with yourself! You may even want to focus on the
awareness piece for days or even months before moving to tip 2, and that is OKAY! Notice your motivations, feelings, and recurring patterns. You can also ask a trusted friend or relative to give you feedback. The key here is self-compassion. Again, you are OKAY!
Think Serve > Please
The next is a simple language shift... but language shifts can be incredibly powerful. How can we pivot our mindset to be about serving others instead of pleasing others? Serving others implies your kindness and generosity of time and energy while pleasing others is about controlling someone else’s emotions, perceptions, and experiences - which we cannot do, but may need to be reminded of this.
There is nothing wrong with kindness and generosity, those are admirable qualities. But if it is at the expense of your own well-being, then it is worth taking a look at what is going on underneath. People-pleasing is not all about making others happy, it is often about avoiding uncomfortable emotions. The very hard reality underneath the people-pleasing is a discomfort of letting others down. It's a desire to control others' perceptions of us. Gulp. Take that one in...
A desire to control others' perceptions of us.
If we keep others happy, keep doing nice things for them, they will like us, we avoid conflict, no one talks bad about us behind our back, no one judges us, we avoid getting hurt - ta-da! We won at life!... You see where I am going with this, right?
Yes- being kind and generous and helping others is a good thing. But it is important to reflect on your motivation behind your actions. Identify your values and let those take the lead. It's ok to say yes- but make it a conscious choice- from a place of power and agency! How can I authentically serve others? Not how can I please others.
Introspection is Needed
To break free from the cycle of people- pleasing, it is important to identify your wants and needs. As chronic people-pleasers, we often live in other people’s reality. What do they think? What was that face they just made? Did I notice a tone shift? Are they mad at me for__? Do you think they hate this song I played in the car? EEK! Take some time to reflect on YOU! This is YOUR life. Your reality. What are 10 things you like? 10 things you don’t like? Spend time reflecting on your desires, through journaling, speaking, drawing, visualizing - whatever works for you! You don’t have to ask for what you want
or tell anyone anything! Right now, you are just getting in touch with you. Remembering who you are.
While you are in reflection mode... how about you write a “Reasons I am Awesome” list.
Sorry (not sorry) these tips are really making you dig deep! But the truth is, beneath the surface of people-pleasing is often a significant need for approval and that results in struggling with saying no, not wanting to let anyone down, saying, “I’m fine” when you really aren’t, overthinking, fear of abandonment, etc. Healing and moving out of people-pleasing people will take exploration around these areas. Self-love and being your own advocate come first. Write a list of why you are awesome, your unique qualities, what you bring to social situations, what you bring at home, what you are good at (notice I said GOOD, not PERFECT) The way you care about others, and see their needs often before your own. That cute freckle on your forehead. The way you sneeze. Literally anything. Write it all. Read it often. You are truly amazing as you are and self-compassion and self-kindness will go a long way in your journey away from people-pleasing.
Write a Bill of Rights
Now that you are reacquainted with your likes, dislikes, why you are awesome - This is an exercise, psychologist, Dr. Aziz Gazipura recommends in his book, “Not Nice.” I highly recommend this exercise for everyone, especially (us) people-pleasers as we often neglect our own needs. These are rights you inherently deserve, LITERALLY JUST FOR EXISTING! You don’t need to earn them. If you find this challenging, think about what you would tell a friend or child what their rights are, what they deserve, without question. I listed “sample rights” below for reference. Once you have your personal bill of rights, print it - make it your screen saver - put it somewhere where you will be reminded of them each day. Let them empower you to take control of your life.
Sample Rights:
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to feel and express all of my feelings.
I have the right to ask for what I need.
I have the right to make mistakes and not be perfect.
I have the right to say no without justification or excuse.
I have the right to start and end a conversation.
I have the right to not be responsible for others' feelings, problems, or behavior. I have the right to expect honesty and respect from others.
I have the right to disagree with others.
I have the right to rest.
I have the right to take time and space to be by myself. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to the life I want.
Practice saying “No”
Don’t get nervous yet! I want to emphasize that before physically saying no, you can say no in your mind. Saying no for people-pleasers can be daunting- and I bet you dreaded seeing this tip on here. If it helps, start by saying no internally. Just being in touch with what you want is a huge step! As you get comfortable acknowledging what you want or don’t want, you can start to say no verbally. Remember “no” is a complete sentence. You do not need to justify. But if you must expand on your no, make it about you and use “I statements”. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies on Friday. On Fridays I like to rest and recover from my week.” You also can use a “no sandwich” if saying no by itself feels intimidating. “I appreciate you inviting me to the party, but I have to decline this time, thank you for thinking of me.” Saying no is a skill that takes PRACTICE! Again, a “no” might be needed if a “yes” would trigger feelings of anxiety, dread or resentment, or if saying “yes” feels like a “should”, not a want.
Celebrate your growth on this! Every time you choose yourself it is worth celebrating!
You said no to the lady at the mall handing out free samples? HOLY FREAKING COW THAT IS AMAZING! YOU BETTER TAKE THAT WIN!
Authenticity is important
Brene Brown is the queen of authenticity. In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection” (highly recommended for people-pleasers as perfectionism is a close cousin of people-pleasing), she discusses how when we are being our authentic selves, we can truly find belonging and live whole-heartedly. She defines authenticity as, “The daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.” A daily practice. Something we will keep working on every day. Writing from the perspective as a fellow people pleaser, this is hard. This is scary. People pleasing feels like a way to have control. An acceptable and comforting way to make friends. Being liked feels good. Keeping the peace feels safe. But at what cost? Is that a genuine connection or merely a facade? By constantly upholding this image of ourselves to meet others' expectations, we bind ourselves to a relentless cycle and image of who you are. You have set the expectation and when you (inevitably) fail or can’t keep up- it can lead to shame or a significant downward spiral. That is not
belonging. I am tired even just writing about it. What a weight that is. Brene remarks, “I try to make authenticity my number one goal when I go into a situation where I am feeling vulnerable. If my goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble.” Relatable with a capital R! The truth is, not everyone will like us. Just like not everyone likes apples. It is just the reality of life. When we understand that, we can relax our shoulders, unclench our jaws, take a deep breath, and go on unapologetically being our true selves.
Side note: Brene has an iPod playlist titled, “Authentic Me” - the songs that make her feel the most like herself. She says, “Life is way too precious to spend it pretending like we’re super-cool and in control when we could be laughing, singing, and dancing.”
Go make that playlist and sing and dance your heart out!
Set boundaries for you
The B word! You can’t have a mental health blog without it. When it comes to people-pleasing, boundaries are essential for reducing people-pleasing tendencies. These can be physical, time, mental, emotional, work, material or social boundaries. Remember: boundaries are not about telling others what to do. They are about telling others what YOU will do.
Consider these examples:
YES: I am going to go for a walk after work so I can have alone time after work. NO: You need to leave me alone after work.
YES: I am going to turn my phone off after 8 pm.
NO: Don’t call me after 8 or I won’t answer.
YES: I am not going to take on additional projects right now.
NO: If you give me another project I will be way too stressed.
As Melissa Urban, author of "The Book of Boundaries," emphasizes, "Boundaries are the key to expanding your life beyond your wildest imagination." Urban uses the term "energy leakage" to help pinpoint when a boundary is necessary. Energy leakage is when more of your energy is being given than received. Everyone has a different-sized energy tank. Maybe your coworkers have the energy after work to talk and talk for
hours, whereas you need to walk out the door the second you can! Your coworkers are not in the wrong, but you have the self-awareness and self-respect to listen to your needs.
She gives a breakdown of boundary setting and holding on Glennon Doyle's “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast; this is a great listen where she says the three steps to boundary setting are:
Identify:Checkinwithyourselfemotionallyandphysically.Whatdoyouneedto be your authentic self? Where are you experiencing dread, anxiety, or resentment? These feelings may signal a need for boundaries.
Settheboundary:Thiscanbeintheformofarequestorstatement.Urbanuses imagery such as green, yellow, and red level boundaries depending on the situation, and how the other person is responding.
Holdtheboundary:Thiscanbethemostchallengingstep.Holdingyour boundary reinforces your self-trust and advocacy.
Boundaries can feel scary. They even have the ring of “someone must be doing something bad” if a boundary is needed. However, that is not the case! Boundaries are about YOU! They are about protecting you, your physical/ mental health, energy - they are about LOVING yourself and honoring your needs - not feeling shame for them. You need 20 minutes of quiet after work to be your best self? Amazing self-awareness! That need is valid and worth protecting.
Boundaries are not selfish. You're not saying only my needs matter - but mine matter as well as yours. How they respond is not your responsibility to fix.
Adopt a mantra
When thoughts come up about pleasing others sometimes you need to incorporate “thought-stopping”. However, mastering this skill is easier said than done. Visualize a giant, red stop sign - or physically shake your hands as if you are shaking off the urge to please, visualize a vacuum cleaner sucking up those thoughts in your brain. Whatever you have to do to bring these thoughts to a halt. When the thought is stopped - follow it with a mantra. These can be short and simple phrases or quotes, or they can be your Bill of Rights. Through this practice, you are effectively retraining your brain, forging new pathways that gradually overshadow the old people-pleasing patterns.
Here are some examples:
I can’t love others if I am on empty
I am not a mind-reader, I must focus on the facts and do what is best for me
If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection. (Lecrae quote) What is my responsibility here? What is theirs?
I cannot please everyone
I am not responsible for other people’s feelings
I am enough
My needs matter
Not everyone will like me and that is okay
I will not let the needs of others disrupt my peace
I choose authenticity over approval
These mantras can serve as reminders to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and cultivate self-compassion while letting go of the need to constantly please others and gain their approval.
Take a break from the sorrys
A clear sign of people-pleasing often manifests in the tendency to over-apologize. Just wait, after reading this you will start to notice how often you might say “sorry” when there was no need for an apology. These “sorrys” may seem like a silly habit or insignificant but they are repeatedly enforcing that other’s needs matter more than your own. Consider the shift from saying, “I’m sorry I can’t take on that project at work.” to simply, “I can’t take on that project at work”. Asserting your needs and boundaries is not wrong- it is an essential part of advocating for yourself and what is best for you!
Schedule time for you
You made it this far. Self-care time. Everyone takes 10 gulps of water! ... I will wait! This was probably a lot to digest!
Reflect on what really fills up your energy tank. What is an activity you enjoy doing so much that time seems to slip away? What makes you feel alive? Pampered? Comfy?
Cozy? Calm? Peaceful? Energized and Excited about LIFE? Whatever that may be, honor it, and intentionally carve out time for it. Consider it sacred. The heart of healing from the grips of people-pleasing is prioritizing yourself and that means getting proper self-care!
Remember, this journey is not easy. Take small steps and celebrate each victory along the way. Surround yourself with support- a trusting friend, family member, or therapist, who can cheer for you and celebrate with you. You may need additional support getting to the root or even just to help you see your progress. Having people around you that are reminding you that you matter and your needs matter will propel you forward.
Lastly, it is crucial to acknowledge that while this journey to stop people-pleasing is hard, so is the burden of carrying dread, anxiety, and resentment from constantly putting others' needs above your own. Setting boundaries can initially be uncomfortable but it is far preferable than the alternative of burnout. As with many things in life, sometimes you have to “choose your hard”. You deserve a life where your well-being is prioritized, allowing you to flourish in every aspect of your one and beautiful life.
Sources:
Gazipura, Dr. Aziz. Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself. New Harbinger Publications, 2017.
Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
https://brenebrown.com/book/the-gifts-of-imperfection/
Urban, Melissa. "How to Set & Hold Boundaries." We Can Do Hard Things Podcast, episode 143.